only child

Most of you that read this know that I am an only child.  It is a very lonely life, let me tell you! 

My parents tried to have children for ten years before I came along.  I guess you could say I was a miracle child, and was called that by my late Grandma Riley.  The fact that I could have been ten years older has crossed my mind many a day.  With all of that being said, it is plain to see why I was sheltered as a child
and semi-spoiled. 

As a child I never really felt like I fit in to any group of friends.  I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.  When we would go camping I had to make friends with whatever kids I could find.  My dad and I would play board games for hours, as well, and so I became pretty close to him.  As a pre-teen, I would bring a friend with me and it made it more fun.  I was teased as a child, as well, because I was quiet and withdrawn.  This didn't help my cause at all!  The only thing I had for me was my music and swimming. 

Fast forward to this part of my life and I still feel alone.  I have grown used to depending on my friends to be my "family".  While in high school I had one girl who was like my sister and one guy who was like my brother.  In fact, that guy would come over and help my folks do things around the house because he knew they didn't have anyone else to help.  That meant an awful lot to me. Now, my girlfriend is so busy with work and her family that we don't see each other.  My guy friend lives an hour away and I never see or talk to him, because of life as well.  In college I had a couple guys that would look after me as if I was their sister.  They stuck up to my roommates for me when I needed it and was always there for me with my back problems.  I knew I could always count on them.  I lost track of them for years and am finally back in touch with them again.  The list goes on and on into my adult life.

As an adult I am faced with the fact that my folks, at some point in my life, will not be here for me anymore.  I honestly dont' know what I will do when that day comes.  Yes, I have a loving husband and two beautiful kids who think I am their sun and moon, but the fact is...my parents have been my whole life.  They are all the family I have.  I only have two cousins, both of which live far away from me.  My mother is also an only child and so my family is very, very small.  That makes the bonds that I form with friends all that more important to me.

Lately, it seems as if I have lost most of the major connections I have made.  Everyone is so busy, and life gets in the way.  I  just wonder if the bonds I have made are as deep as I once thought they were.  Did I make friendships more important then I should have?  I wonder.  There are certain people in my life, right now, who I feel pulling away.  I dont' know why, and it kills me inside.  I have no idea if it is just my imagination or if they even know it's happening.  I just miss certain people so much it hurts.  I have my tried and true friends who are scattered throughout the country, ones that I know will  never turn their back on me.  That just makes it even harder, because they aren't here. 

I keep a lot bottled up inside of me.  All of my ailments, problems you could say...I don't talk about them much.  I do feel sorry for myself once in awhile because I don't feel someone my age should have to deal with some of the things I deal with, such as heart problems, bad knees, weak ankle, asthma, bad eyesight, horrible back problems, allergies and my on going issue with acne.  All of those things have almost brought me to my knees at times, and made me feel hopeless.  I keep trudging and try to keep a smile on my face.  I also try to see the positive in everything because there is so much negative attached to my life.  Lately, there is so much negative around (politically and such) that it is becoming increasingly hard to be positive.  I feel as if I can't breath sometimes, and it doesn't feel as if I have anyone to turn to.

At this point I am just ranting and clearing my head.  I dont' even know if this will make sense to anyone else reading it, but I had to get it down and out of my head.