emotionally hard times

Anyone, who knows me well, knows I have extreme back issues.  I have had them for years, since high school really.  The last ten years have been especially hard on me but I've trudged on.  I have tried very hard to hide how bad it's been from everyone, including my spouse.  I tried to never complain and always worked through the pain.  I never wanted the pain to define me and feel that I am now compromising that.

These last six months have been quite the struggle for me, mentally and physically.  My back has been very fragile and seems angry about it.  I know I need to lose weight, to get it off my spine....but that would require going to the gym, which could hurt my back.  I try to eat well but I have never been able drop weight by diet alone.  

All of a sudden I find myself constantly thinking of my back.  Always bowing out of things, because I am afraid my back will go out.  Never wanting to try anything new because it may throw my back out.  Everything I think or do is controlled by my back.  

I have told some of my close friends, and my chiropractor, that I feel as if I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  I am scared to live. I am scared to do anything.  I am mad that I am scared.  I am mad that I can't do anything.  I am ashamed at how I look.  I am mad at how I look.  I am ashamed that I have let myself go, but know that it is not my fault.  I hate what I have become.  It's as simple as that.

I see everyone joining gyms and going to weight watchers.  I loved going to the gym a few years back.  That was my salvation when the kids were little.  I have loved weight watchers, but I know that I can't lose weight if I'm not trying to stay fit as well.  It's like a double edged sword for me, since I need to lose weight and exercise but physically can't do that right now.  

I am ashamed at how I look, and never want people to see me. It's just how I feel.  No one can understand the pain in my heart because I don't show it easily.  I look back at how I looked just five years ago and want to cry.  It doesn't seem fair.  It's not like I overeat, or eat all junk.  I don't.  Most of the time I don't even finish my whole plate of food.  I track what I eat, and try to keep within a certain amount of calories.  For some reason, it doesn't matter.  I'm still too big.

Basically, I am scared to go to the gym because I might do harm to my back and end up where I was six months ago.  I am scared to go walking around my block, because if my back goes out while walking I won't make it home.  I am scared to stretch my muscles, for fear of pulling a disc out of place.  I live my life scared to death every day.  I try very hard to smile and be positive so people have no idea what I am really thinking. It is just getting very hard to do.  I don't want my kids to see my pain, but they do.  

I hate that I can't help my kids clean their rooms, or do their laundry. It just hurts too much.  If I did any of that it would take me four or five days to recover from 2 hours of work.  That doesn't seem fair to me.  I should be able to help my children do things like that.  It breaks my heart that I can't.  I am afriad that when they look back at me, all they will see is my pain.  My inability to actually be a mom.  I know I drive them to swimming and sit in the stands, but they won't remember that.  They will only remember what I couldn't do.  That is one of my biggest fears.

Anyway, I will end my rant of my feelings.  At least for now.