These last six months have been quite the struggle for me, mentally and physically. My back has been very fragile and seems angry about it. I know I need to lose weight, to get it off my spine....but that would require going to the gym, which could hurt my back. I try to eat well but I have never been able drop weight by diet alone.
All of a sudden I find myself constantly thinking of my back. Always bowing out of things, because I am afraid my back will go out. Never wanting to try anything new because it may throw my back out. Everything I think or do is controlled by my back.
I have told some of my close friends, and my chiropractor, that I feel as if I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder. I am scared to live. I am scared to do anything. I am mad that I am scared. I am mad that I can't do anything. I am ashamed at how I look. I am mad at how I look. I am ashamed that I have let myself go, but know that it is not my fault. I hate what I have become. It's as simple as that.
I see everyone joining gyms and going to weight watchers. I loved going to the gym a few years back. That was my salvation when the kids were little. I have loved weight watchers, but I know that I can't lose weight if I'm not trying to stay fit as well. It's like a double edged sword for me, since I need to lose weight and exercise but physically can't do that right now.
I am ashamed at how I look, and never want people to see me. It's just how I feel. No one can understand the pain in my heart because I don't show it easily. I look back at how I looked just five years ago and want to cry. It doesn't seem fair. It's not like I overeat, or eat all junk. I don't. Most of the time I don't even finish my whole plate of food. I track what I eat, and try to keep within a certain amount of calories. For some reason, it doesn't matter. I'm still too big.
Basically, I am scared to go to the gym because I might do harm to my back and end up where I was six months ago. I am scared to go walking around my block, because if my back goes out while walking I won't make it home. I am scared to stretch my muscles, for fear of pulling a disc out of place. I live my life scared to death every day. I try very hard to smile and be positive so people have no idea what I am really thinking. It is just getting very hard to do. I don't want my kids to see my pain, but they do.
I hate that I can't help my kids clean their rooms, or do their laundry. It just hurts too much. If I did any of that it would take me four or five days to recover from 2 hours of work. That doesn't seem fair to me. I should be able to help my children do things like that. It breaks my heart that I can't. I am afriad that when they look back at me, all they will see is my pain. My inability to actually be a mom. I know I drive them to swimming and sit in the stands, but they won't remember that. They will only remember what I couldn't do. That is one of my biggest fears.
Anyway, I will end my rant of my feelings. At least for now.