Thursday, February 23, 2012

Father in Law

Yesterday my father in law was driving home from the credit union when he blew a stop sign.  My mother in law made a comment about "wow, we aren't stopping today?".  Then he blew another one.  And another one.  Then he stopped at a stop light and didn't know what he was doing.  My mother in law stopped at a near by house and called 911.  When they got to the ER they did a CT scan and found the brain hemorrhage.  

All last night we all sat around trying to figure out what was going on.  We were stressed out and really didn't know if John would make it through the night.  Jerry and I got home after 10:30 and ate some of the best pizza ever.  I suppose it was just because we were so hungry, but it tasted so good!

Today I made my way to the hospital to sit with my mother in law.  When I got there I got the low down on his condition.  He didn't know who his wife was.  He didn't know what glasses were, or what he was suppose to do with them.  He didn't realize he was in the hospital, and didn't know when his birthday is.  He seemed pretty groggy during the afternoon and didn't want to eat anything.  He seemed to know who I was, but he could have just been playing along.  It's hard to say.

When I went back after work Jerry was there.  They were telling me about what had happened while I was gone.  Apparently John had ripped out his IV, and took off his oxygen finger thing.  The nurses had to restrain him so that he couldn't do more harm.  He also had no idea who Judy or Jerry was.  Not much later Jim and Jack came in. ( Jack had just flown in from Mexico to be with his dad.)  They approached the bed and John had no idea who they were.  I can't even imagine what thoughts went through their minds.  He tried to talk but nothing made sense.  He can't form words or really put sentences together.  It is so sad.  

Once he was settled down, and fell asleep, we left to go home.  I can't imagine how Jerry is feeling right now, having his own father not know who he is.  It is heartbreaking I am sure.  

One thing I have learned through all of this is just how loved Jerry and I are.  I am overwhelmed by all of the support and kind words that have been shared with us through Facebook, email and phone calls.  The offers of help is also abundant and amazes me.  Your friendships mean the world to us and we feel lucky to have you in our lives! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, for caring and being there for us in our time of need.  We love every one of you!  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

emotionally hard times

Anyone, who knows me well, knows I have extreme back issues.  I have had them for years, since high school really.  The last ten years have been especially hard on me but I've trudged on.  I have tried very hard to hide how bad it's been from everyone, including my spouse.  I tried to never complain and always worked through the pain.  I never wanted the pain to define me and feel that I am now compromising that.

These last six months have been quite the struggle for me, mentally and physically.  My back has been very fragile and seems angry about it.  I know I need to lose weight, to get it off my spine....but that would require going to the gym, which could hurt my back.  I try to eat well but I have never been able drop weight by diet alone.  

All of a sudden I find myself constantly thinking of my back.  Always bowing out of things, because I am afraid my back will go out.  Never wanting to try anything new because it may throw my back out.  Everything I think or do is controlled by my back.  

I have told some of my close friends, and my chiropractor, that I feel as if I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  I am scared to live. I am scared to do anything.  I am mad that I am scared.  I am mad that I can't do anything.  I am ashamed at how I look.  I am mad at how I look.  I am ashamed that I have let myself go, but know that it is not my fault.  I hate what I have become.  It's as simple as that.

I see everyone joining gyms and going to weight watchers.  I loved going to the gym a few years back.  That was my salvation when the kids were little.  I have loved weight watchers, but I know that I can't lose weight if I'm not trying to stay fit as well.  It's like a double edged sword for me, since I need to lose weight and exercise but physically can't do that right now.  

I am ashamed at how I look, and never want people to see me. It's just how I feel.  No one can understand the pain in my heart because I don't show it easily.  I look back at how I looked just five years ago and want to cry.  It doesn't seem fair.  It's not like I overeat, or eat all junk.  I don't.  Most of the time I don't even finish my whole plate of food.  I track what I eat, and try to keep within a certain amount of calories.  For some reason, it doesn't matter.  I'm still too big.

Basically, I am scared to go to the gym because I might do harm to my back and end up where I was six months ago.  I am scared to go walking around my block, because if my back goes out while walking I won't make it home.  I am scared to stretch my muscles, for fear of pulling a disc out of place.  I live my life scared to death every day.  I try very hard to smile and be positive so people have no idea what I am really thinking. It is just getting very hard to do.  I don't want my kids to see my pain, but they do.  

I hate that I can't help my kids clean their rooms, or do their laundry. It just hurts too much.  If I did any of that it would take me four or five days to recover from 2 hours of work.  That doesn't seem fair to me.  I should be able to help my children do things like that.  It breaks my heart that I can't.  I am afriad that when they look back at me, all they will see is my pain.  My inability to actually be a mom.  I know I drive them to swimming and sit in the stands, but they won't remember that.  They will only remember what I couldn't do.  That is one of my biggest fears.

Anyway, I will end my rant of my feelings.  At least for now.